No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood. Do not let it grieve you, no one leaves for good. — Stephen Sondheim
My mother has Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed with it at 59 years old, but really, she’s “had” it her whole life. Just as I am sure I do. And devastatingly, just as my daughter does. It’s a heart wrenching disease. One, for me, that is filled with so much sorrow, grief, and anger.
My mother left me when I needed her most. She left me as I was becoming a mother myself. She left me when I was navigating an entire life I had never known before. And, by no fault of her own, she left me when I was approaching some of the most painful times of my life. She left me. Halfway through my woods.
It is a complicated mix of emotions. The utter sadness I feel for my mother’s life being ripped from her is enough to make me not want to get out of bed some days. The pain I feel that my daughter will never be able to experience my mother as her grandmother the way they both deserve rips through me at times. And the anger I feel that this disease has stolen my mother from me, in times when I have needed her most, is overwhelming.
Often when people are trying to find the words to comfort me, they will say things like “your mother is still in there, she still is your mother.” And maybe that is true. Maybe I see glimpses of her when I happen to catch her laughing. I might see pieces of her when she is enjoying a really good dessert, an afternoon of music, or listening to my father read poetry to her. But for the most part, I see the flesh of the woman my mom used to be. I see the agony of a memory that slipped away far sooner than it should have. I see the pain of the people who love her. And I feel the absolute anguish of losing a parent before they are actually gone.
My mother left me. I grieve the loss of her every day. But, I also celebrate the love of her every day. I celebrate it by being the strongest woman I know how to be. I celebrate it by being the best mother I can be. I celebrate it by showing kindness to strangers. I celebrate it by reading to my daughter, the way my mother always read to me. I celebrate it by fiercely loving those who matter to me. I celebrate it by living, for both of us.
And it’s true-what Stephen Sondheim has said-no one leaves for good. My mom is here. Right here inside of me.
Surrounded by love and grief.
For My Mama 