The Art of Selflessness

Both my parents taught me about goodwill. And I have done well by their name. Just the kindness I have lavished on strangers. Is more than I can explain.

Ani DiFranco

My mother was the most selfless person I have ever known. It feels odd writing the word “was” when talking about my mom who is still alive, but that is is how I feel. She was selfless. She is not anymore. She can’t be. She can’t be anything now. But, it’s true, my mother was selfless. She always thought of others before herself, often to her own detriment. Even when she entered the nursing home, nearly two years ago, she made every attempt to help others-trying to calm them and talk them through their pain. For as long as she was able, my mother helped, anyone she could, any way she could.

Oddly, it drove me crazy. I used to look at it as a weakness. I thought she let people walk all over her. I thought she sacrificed so much of herself for others, never really using her voice to express her own needs. She was relentless in her pursuit to help others, volunteering years of her life to both local and state PTA. She adopted children every Christmas to buy gifts for them. My mom always donated what little money she had to help someone in need or to support a cause that was important to her. She was the first to make food for a friend or neighbor that was ill or when someone had passed away. So much of her identity was linked to what she did for others. Sometimes I would want to scream at her (and I think once or twice I did!) to do something for herself, to find what makes HER happy, to speak up when she was drained or not ready to take on something else.

What I didn’t realize then, and for years, was that being selfless was who my mom was. She was all heart. And just because her happy didn’t look like my happy didn’t mean she wasn’t happy. She was. She was so happy.

And now, here I am at 38 years old, just returning from a trip to California where I spent time working a charity event for a nonprofit, recognizing for the first time that maybe I am more like my mom than I ever thought. She taught me the importance of giving back through her incredible actions. She showed me that kindness and compassion matter above anything else. And even though, due to her disease, she no longer has the ability to act selflessly every day, in a way, she still is. For her life of selflessness has propelled me into a life of giving as much as I can, as often as I can.

I hope I am doing right by you, Mama. I owe who I am to your incredible spirit.

With a tremendous amount of love and grief,
Your daughter